- Twenty-fourth blood butterfly -

I am. So tired. So dead. I am so tired.

Well. Baiscally, I'm not remembering stuff now, but yesterday was White Day and I had free times to compose three songs without proper music- just the lyrics itself. Its a bit emo or every I don't really care, if you don't please don't read. Kae. The song closest to this is not finish, i have a feeling its lacking-- alot. So. Yay. <3 Shinobinaki and Onii-sama, Onee-sama, Arigatou gozaimasu. =3

[Lyrics] I had a dream- Aishiteru.

*[I had a dream, to be loved forever,
I had a dream that I'll finally found you
And in that dream, I was in your arms.
You were kissing me down my neck
and telling me "I love you" ]

Aishiteru.

And that day came...
When I did found you.
But things were not the same.
I was trying to hold you close.
You were cold like ice.
But you clamied you love me so.

Things are so much difficult
-How do I explain this to you?

*[I had a dream, to be loved forever,
I had a dream that I'll finally found you
And in that dream, I was in your arms.
You were kissing me down my neck
and telling me "I love you" ]

Aishiteru

So slowly, I'll try to let you understand,
So slowly, I'll let you know.
The person in me,
And the goals that I have.
I'll let you know.
Slowly, but definately.

*[I had a dream, to be loved forever,
I had a dream that I'll finally found you
And in that dream, I was in your arms.
You were kissing me down my neck
and telling me "I love you" ]

..Aishiteru.

[Lyrics] Onii-sama, Onee-sama, Arigatou Gozaimasu

*Onii-sama, Onee-sama
arigatou gozaimasu
For being there for me.
Everyday of my life.



When I'm crying,
When i wanna be held
Your warmth, your comfort,
Will always be there.
and you wiped my tears
and you told me
it'll be alright.


Did you know how much that changed my life?


(*Onii-sama, Onee-sama
arigatou gozaimasu
For being there for me.
Everyday of my life.) x 2



When things don't go right
And I'm really pissed
Summoning a masscare
Wishing that you're all dead
You were there.
You changed my life
You told me it was all right.
and that you cared.


(*Onii-sama, Onee-sama
arigatou gozaimasu
For being there for me.
Everyday of my life.) x 2

Onii-sama, Onee-sama,
Arigatou Gozaimasu
For being there for me
When the world was with me
When things started to smile
When things were at their peak
You were still there with me.
You didn't left me alone to smile
by myself.


(*Onii-sama, Onee-sama
arigatou gozaimasu
For being there for me.
Everyday of my life.) x 2



Onii-sama, Onee-sama, arigatou gozaimasu.
For being when I'm happy
For being there when i cry.
For being there for me
Everyday,
Everyday, in my life.

[Lyrics] Shinobinaki (Silent Tears)

I never knew how different I was

until I started crying about it.

I never expected things to be like this

but I can't change it.

And I wished I could.

Did you ever knew that I wished I was the same

like the rest of you?

But its too hard to be like you

Its too hard for me--

I'm suffering silently.

* Shinobinaki,

Silent tears.

I'm crying, I'm crying

but you can't hear me.

Please, I beg you

Don't leave me hanging.

There has been times where things are so

unexpected.

And I just don't know what to do

Its too hard to pursue,

Its too scary to be alone.

And then I went wishing,

That things will be alright.
Things will go as I want.

And it did

But I can't handle the silent pain.

* Shinobinaki,
Silent tears.
I'm crying, I'm crying
but you can't hear me.
Please, I beg you
Don't leave me hanging.

Shinobinaki (silent tears)...

Shinobinaki...

I never knew how different I was

until I started crying about it

I never expected things to be like this

But I can't change it

And I wish I could

And then I went wishing

That things will be alright

Things will go as I want

and it did.

But I can't handle the silent pain.

* Shinobinaki,
Silent tears.
I'm crying, I'm crying
but you can't hear me.
Please, I beg you
Don't leave me hanging.

Shinobinaki... silent tears...

Shinobi...

..naki.

- Twenty-third Blood Butterfly -

Okay, something happened today. =x Worth reading.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Okay, these people are within my school. People involved in this thing: Sec 4s: Rozanne, Me, Anthea, Sec 2s: Rachael, Janice and Samantha.

ÂñÐ®Ë jØ { http://takeiteasy-.blogspot.com/ } says:
now the plot

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
So the sec 4's are quite good friends. And the sec 2s are goof friends

..::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
okay. so Janice sms'ed me from out of the blue to join this conversation.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Me, being nice and what not, thinking like "Okay, how bad can it get" called.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Then then conversation started.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
You know what fangirls are right?

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
They are listed as #1 Scary anime things that should be avoided.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
So these two girls, Rachael and Samantha were talking alot. 75% of it being Anthea. and 20% being Rozanne.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Janice didn't speak most of the time. Probably too shy.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Okay, so i was listening to them and what they think and what they know and what not.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
I, giving them some.. uh. New info or just renewing some info.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
about the people they are ..fanning all over.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Okay, then Janice said like "They wanted you, anthea and rozanne to join the conversation".Okay, so I was.. like.. called anthea and passed the message when she was bathing. She said she would call back.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
And she didn't.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Then Rachael called uh.. ROzanne.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
For some reason or another, she didn't pick up the phone

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
..The moment i started becoming 'afraid' or 'freaked out', but still laughing and stuff.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
I called for anthea for help

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
anthea called Samantha, in the midst of the conversation

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
and whatshername.. Rachael. 'disappeared'

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
okay, this was what the last part of the original conversation went.

.::*[ShiChidea]*::. You won't know if I lied. I won't let you. says:
Rachael: My Antheaa!
Me; What, that's it? aren't you suppose to call like antheaa *Anthea joins conversation* Antthea, oh anthea.
Anthea: Jas?
-Most went silent, some laughing-
Me; Anthea?
Anthea; Jas, I have a proposal for you--
Me; Anthea! They missed you!
-Voice beind, but mostly silent-
Anthea: Nevermind, Jas I have a proposal.
Me; huh, again?
Anthea: Yeah, on the count of three, we put down the phone
Me; Okay
"1"
"2"
"3" *hang up*

-end-

Me: Still laughing. Its been a few minutes now.

-Twenty Second Blood Butterfly -

Depressed.

Depressed. Depressed.Depressed. Depressed.Depressed. Depressed.Depressed. Depressed.Depressed.

Tired. Sleepy.

I come online and I did the shittyiest thing in my life. I just insulted someone's religion. I mean, yeah. Omg. What the hell is up with me. And you know, i just noticed it was unintentional. and this someone just came up to tell me I'm pulling that person down, BUT WELL I'M SORRY. And then there was another arguement. And then shit happens.
My online siblings and uncle started an argument and I was USELESS. I SWEAR, USELESS. But hey, not only was I useless, I MADE THINGS WORSE.
WELL SHIT, I'M SORRY FOR BEING WEAK. Thanks ALOT for understanding.

I don't know, I'm just not me anymore. Its screaming in me. I'm not me. I don't understand why. And its not helping me at all. My phantom limbs are just ACHING everytimes I have clothes on. T_T; As if my emotionally being isn't in pain enough, this has to happen.

I'm hiding too much of me. It's hidden that I myself can't see it. It has dissolved. Gone. No more. I don't even know sometimes who the fuck i am. Its VERY frustating, you know. Its like. I'm me, but not me. Its like. Ah shit, I don't know. I'm not me anymore. I just know how to make people think of me because of what I do. I do know the things humans want to see in a specific situations and the specific reactions they want to have. Its completely not hard at all. But I love to twist the situation to see new reactions. Maybe I'm still learning. But I don't get it. Now that's my hobby. Just to twist the simple reactions- or untwist it for humans to see it primitively.

Psychology is a wonderful subject. And the human mind is actually only that narrow. But its a dangerous thing. I twist it so much just for a test for them. But when i don't get the results I want,

I just end up hurting me.

- Twenty-first Blood Butterfly -

Title: Child of Festives

Full Name: Kamikawa Kyuu

Aliases: Q

.:: Q is simply the short form for 'Quintessence' but pronounced and written as "Kyuu" ::

Gender: Female

Species: Zashikiwarashi

About her Species: Zashiki-warashi

Reference from http://www.obakemono.com/

This child-like spirit is said to inhabit the inner rooms of old houses and other buildings. It often appears as a little girl but it can be a boy as well. Sometimes it plays with the children of the house, but it never lets the adults see it. Although it is fond of mischief, the zashiki-warashi is a beneficial little spook, and houses it lives in have extremely good fortune. This fortune quickly turns to disastrously bad luck, however, if the ghost child ever leaves.

Reference from xxxHolic

-weak against ill

-will and malice

-doesn't really go to places with much humans.

-usually retreats with the Karasu-Tengu to the sacred grounds of the mountains.

Age: Roughly about 68 but looks 8.

Height: 122 cm [ 4" ]

Weight: 20kg [45lbs]

Hair: Maroon-ish brown

Eyes: maroon-ish brown

Before Kamikawa Kyuu was Kyuu:
Kyuu was once a child named Midorikawa Chiaki who was born into a very fine and decent family. Chiaki had the ability to see the supernatural and was capable of having fine games of snowball fights or even a decent conversation with them. The most she ever hang out with were the Karasu-tengu, the crow tengus. Especially the few that live just outside her window. However, compared to the other children, she was still unable to speak at the age of 4. Inclusive to her deficiencies, she is also unable to walk.

On her Death date:
Chiaki died on the 8th of August, one of the 12 days that the Hitotsune-kozo came to visit her house to play. The child kindly "asked" the supernatural being to give her an illness that could result in death for she had seen enough of the hardships that the Midorikawa family has been suffering though her lack of capabilities. On the other hand, the Hitotsune-kozo was quite elated for they know her death could result in her turning into a Zashiki-warashi. Hito-dama appeared as her death time came. And soon, she found herself together once again with the other supernatural beings.

About species: Hitotsume-kozo

In form this spectre is a child of ten years or so, usually a bald-headed young Buddhist monk, but its face is dominated by its one huge eye. Like many obake who are largely human in appearance, the hitotsume-koz? enjoys using its monstrous attributes to surprise and frighten people, and loves sassing the humans it meets, telling them to "be quiet!" or greeting them with other childish chides and mockery.
Sometimes said to be spirits of disease that appear on the eighth of the month, the one-eyed boys can be repelled by hanging baskets in doorways; the cycloptic little monsters see the basket's many holes as a vast amount of eyes, and run away in jealousy, ashamed of only having one.

About species: Hito-dama

The spirits of the newly dead are said to take the form of great floating balls of fire, glowing in amber, pale blue or ruddy-white like the moon, sometimes dragging long blue flickering tails behind them. A hito-dama is often seen shortly before a sick person dies, leaving the weakening body and heading off for the next stage of existence. They often fall to earth or fade away shortly after they are seen, leaving a foamy or slimy residue on whatever they touch.

After that...:
Kyuu immediately left her home where she died and wandered around than compared to the many Zashiki-warashi that stayed in one home. She mostly follows the few supernatural beings that also wanders and has communicated with her one way or another. However, it is the Karasu-tengu that follows her all the time no matter where she goes. Eveutally, she gathers a small group with her as she goes.

-Twentith Blood Butterfly -

I learnt something about myself today.

Cancer, the fourth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about home. Those born under this Sign are 'roots' kinds of people and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family. Cancers are maternal, domestic and love to nurture others. More than likely, their family will be large, too -- the more, the merrier! Cancers will certainly be merry if their home life is serene and harmonious. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer's household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities. They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible. A Cancer's good memory is the basis for stories told around the dinner table, and don't be surprised if these folks get emotional about things to boot. Those born under this Sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them.

The mascot of Cancerians is the Crab, and much like this shelled little critter, Cancerians are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it's not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this 'shell' a second home (and they do love home). The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody. Further, in keeping with their difficulty in sharing their innermost feelings, it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place. What to do? Give the Crab time -- eventually these folks will come out to play again. When they do, they'll be the first to say so, in keeping with the Cardinal Quality attached to this Sign. It's said that Crabs are first to laugh and first to cry, so you can bet they'll fill you in. That shell, by the way, isn't the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, they're not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn't work, they'll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal.

Cancerians are ruled by the Moon, the Great Mother of the heavens in ancient times. Here on Earth, this is manifested in the Crab's maternal instincts and desire to protect home and hearth. This may appear smothering at times, but that's the Crab for you. The Moon is associated with fertility, too, a quality which is most pleasing to Cancerians. The Moon is also the ruler of moods, and Cancers have plenty of those. These folks can cry you a river if they're so inclined, and they usually are. They can be overly sensitive, easily hurt and prone to brooding. Even so, Crabs find it easy to be sympathetic to others and are quick to show their affection. Their intuition is also a great help to them, especially in times of stress.

The Element associated with Cancer is Water. Like the rolling waves of the sea, the Crab's emotions can make quite a splash. These folks tend to pick up on things and bring them in, with the outward result ranging from sentimentality to possessiveness. Crabs need to resist the temptation to become selfish or to feel sorry for themselves, since this behavior won't help. On the bright side, Cancers are good with money (although some consider them too thrifty), probably because they value a sense of security. Crabs are also quick to help others and tend to avoid confrontation. In keeping with their nurturing bent, those born under this Sign are a whiz with food. A hearty picnic on the Fourth of July is heaven on earth to most Crabs.

Cancers often find that a robust workout session is just the tonic for their touchy feelings. Team sports are always nice, since they offer a sense of community; water polo should be elemental to aquatic Crabs. What are their team colors? The Moon is silver and white. Since Cancerians have a tendency to be lazy, however, they may need someone to push them out the door. When it comes to the game of love, eager Crabs are devoted, romantic and able to get things going on their own. Crabs are wise to listen to their gut, since this Sign rules the stomach.

The great strength of the Cancer-born is the tenacity with which they protect their loved ones. These folks don't ask for much, either: a comfortable home and sense of peace about sums it up. It's that nurturing instinct which makes Cancerians a pleasure to be with.

Well. That was funny.

1-I don't have a good memory.

2- I'm not from Japan. (i'm patriotic to them?)

3- strong willed? XD

Well, you read. Wohoo for emotional manipulation <3

Source: http://www.quizilla.com/stargazing/

- Nineteenth Blood Butterfly -

Friends are really odd things. I don't know how to explain. But I'm really tired of this roller coaster emotional ride. I mean, wow its fun and stuff. But enough, really. Is enough.

Perhaps I'm just plain selfish- or downright self-centered. I cannot be left alone. But I'm not lonely. Theres always so many people around me.

But really- I'm sick of it.

Two-faced, dishonest, untrusty, and really really not worth it. They are predictable. That's how narrow a mind can be. Because everything comes from a core. Its to simple. Its too predictable. Its just. JUST. ARGH.

I can't put it into words- maybe a drawing later. But its hard for me.


I'm not lonely.
I'm not depressed.
I'm not crying.

- Eighteenth Blood Butterfly -

Yosh, minna-san~ Happy V-day to those who are reading my blog for this, today's posty~ There's a gifty to you:




-Chiddy <3

- Seventeenth Blood Butterfly -

Yosh, minna-sama~! Well, there goes another weekend, then. My mom just came in and bitched about me being on the internet, and thats like.. damn annoying. *shrugs*

I had a fairly good day today... weekend. Lets see what I did..

[1]
I added a few more numbers into my Anime Watched List:

52. Red Garden
53. Air Summer Special (*)
54. Amaenaideyo!! Katsu!! (Ecchi/Harem)
55. Digimon Savers.
56. Soul Link
57. Futakoi Alternate (Ecchi)(*)



[2]
I got to RP incest with my online brother~ Ahaha. <3 (Btw, I developed a dylxsic problem of the words insects and incests.)

[3]
Oh. I studied. Ooh, yes, I did. Ahuh, I did, i stressed the fuck out of myself, and constantly sleeping late just to fulfill the 'What I Want to Do' List after finishing the 'oh,fuck,study' list. You know, crap like that. I mean like shit, everyone's happy that I'm a good girl. So. Just act "AWWW" They can go die.

[4]
"Sometimes I’m afraid to look at myself.

I’m afraid of what I’d see.

Afraid to know what I am.

Reluctant to know what I have brought upon others.

The sufferings, pain, bitterness, hate, blood and tears.

Why me? What have I done to deserve such a life?

I wish someone would take away my misery.

I wish someone could wash away my dirt, scrub away my stains.

But I know this will never be, so why hope?

After all why would anyone help…

..The cursed."

Sounds appealing?
No, -I'M- not being emo, jerk. This is from a story my friend began to write. Tho she just began, i can tell you to expect an adventure-filled story. =3
->http://demented-hatter.livejournal.com/

That's basically what I can remember, since I can't remember much. And I'M TIRED. RAWR

-[ Would you like to die, just this once? ]-

- Sixteenth Blood Butterfly -

わたしわ血ちょ著です。



Ah. PVC is finally over and we've got into Singapore's book of Records. PVC = project Vibrant colours. Hopefully it'll be the biggest pen collgue in the world too.



Anyways. Today, I went shopping for my Chinese New Year clothes. And guess what I got?

Yeah. G-LOL chinese new year clothes. ^_^ It IS red with no black as mom requested, yo.
And to be narcisstic, here's more pictures!














Except for the first picture, the rest were taken today. ^_^. And taking AJ-chan for taking some of them too! <3 <3.

- Fifteenth Blood Butterfly -

Whoa shit, why did I ranted on the 12th of January for?
I was just reading the post I SHOULD HAVE PLACED UP HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO, and I'ms till wondering what the hell happened to make me feel like that again.

But its all over now, so anyways.

I had a pretty good stressful-to-the-core days and I fell ill on Wednesday due.. to overworking of my body? I don't know, can you call it that?I mean now, I'm all tired and shit, but look. I've got 18/20 for my cumulative frequency test and 15.5/25 for my Bio topical test. And THAT'S quite new, you know. I mean, I PASSED my subjects.

But my wings are so worn out that its colours are soon fading.

BUT ANYWAYS there seems to be a new event and experience that is brewing within me. I know it, i just can FEEEL it bubble. Bubble with excitement. However, I'll just see how cold can the butterflies be still. Because the butterflies I know tend not to change.

- Fourteenth Blood Butterfly -

Tuesday, January 16, 2007.

-Cautious, Rant -

Sometimes I wonder if its just me or is it everything around me as well.There are times where the butterflies that surrounds me are filled with excitement, and everything that is positively ...positive.Yet there are times where the butterflies are so cold, and they seem to leave me alone.Maybe its really just me.
Perhaps one day, I'll return into my shell. And I'll forcefully cut off my own wings. Maybe one day, I'll make a mask. Yes, a thick metal mask, and I'll wear it as a shelter. A protection over my face. I'll chain myself to the ground, a isolated place. I'll cover my ears, I'll close my eyes, and cut off my tongue. Then, I'll scream. Maybe that one day, will come. And I will be relieve of everything that I hate, that I avoid and that which hates me. Maybe, just maybe.
People see me as a social butterfly- i mean, if you knew me, sure you do, and that daily mood swings and unable to comphrehend this every seeking attention brat.
I hate myself for that.
If my academics were as great as my attidute, maybe I'll still like me. But its not. Its the WORST. I'm lazy and.. and.. crap.. and argh. I'm insane. In a bad way now. I mean, I look at the people around me. THere's Vi-chan. She's quiet, mysterious, calm and collected. And she gets GOOD grades for her science. And what she wants others to see her, is under HER control. And there's the other 'crazy' -in a good way, lot. *Proper word is enthusiastic*. I mean, sure, they have their bad points. But, look at them. THey are getting GOOD grades. And there's 4.3's2007Chairperson-person. I mean, she can be annoying, yet funny, and cool, and quite a rubis cube sometimes, but SHE gets really good grades. And hell, thats only in my class. I DON'T want to get to the others.
I mean, honeslty, shit. I study, and I get the fucking same grades. Its that type of unexplainable fustrations. Theres no one HINT in me of being perfect. Or do i feel myself having accomplished SOMETHING.
Please, if you want to stop here, then stop. So I can spill things out that I haven't the long times since I last posted. (Internet curfew).
I THANK MY MOM FOR TAKING THE INTERNET AWAY, ACTUALLY.If I were to have return to my two-world state I'm always in, i swear to the Lady of the Silver Moon that I WILL NOT be able to cope with my own emotions. I'm all confused and shit now if I should or should not hide myself, and that's in real life. I have this ... problem. I want to hide myself, but I'm afraid of being alone thing. I'm so scared of things leaving me that I wish not to get attached to them. But I don't know if its the same for everything. Attachment can lead to addiction to me. Eg. My chatting habits = addiction. And I don't even feel that same feelings i used to when everything was once united.
ARGGH. I DON'T KNOW. Perhaps everything is really breaking down bit by bit, like a wool-made sweater's string was being pulled and the sweater is going lesser and lesser and leaving someone cold and stuff.
I know I'm not living for myself. Then again, 'myself' isn't really here before. I'm just a mixture of everyone that I look up to, making me someone who is not me.
Smiling to me is a piece of joy.Not smiling to me can be a grave sin.
Laughing gives me the courage to live on.Frowning gives me the wish to die.
Showing happiness will not affect the others.Showing my inner happiness is a crime.
Wanting to fly is a dream.Not flying keeps me safe.
Walking into dangers brings me excitement.Keeping myself safe gives me my sanity.
Speaking my thoughts will let me be knownbut will also break my barriers and shell.I don't want that.
Now.
What's the meaning of able to trust someone, when I can't even physcially trust people?