- Sixth Blood Butterfly -

Funeral's finally over. Time for some z's.

Today, I went to collect my Grandmama's ashes. And her bones have 'flowers', stating that she have done good deeds in her life.
Anyways, no more about funeral stuff.
I AM SO TIRED. SO SO TIRED. Keeping me in place would just drift me off into wonderland again. But meh, that isn't the problem to me.

Okay, I just made a new forum, after leaving Red Rose Vertigo made by my best fwen, Tsuki-chan. And it's more or less still undone. I'm still wondering how everything should be going about, and theres no doubt that I'd most probably only be Rping in the more important events. For my new forum, I plan to get people from Gaia and IRC to come into the forum to Roleplay. And the previous forums as well.

And lately, I feel damnit depressed that there are some moments, I just feel like breaking dowm, or tearing things aparts. The boundless energy in me just screams for release. Well. I don't know. Just want to sleep. Goodnight.

.: Pitiful Shadows cloaked in darkness, Thy actions cause men pain and suffering. Thy hollow soul drowns in thy sins. How would you like to see what death is like? :.

- Fifth Blood Butterfly -

So the important day of the funeral arrived...

FINALLY. FINALLY. I am SO tired. SOOO tired. But tomorrow I have to go there eariler again.. MUCH eariler.

Okay, so you know my grandma went bye bye now. Never see her again, never say hello again, thats sayonara. I feel kinda guilty, really. And I'm like all.. "WTF ARE YOU DOING" to myself at the moment. My mom reminded me. In June, 2006. This year, I apparently had a nightmare about my grandma. (Apparently, since I forgot. I forgot my own name once. So anyways.) After that dream. I fell really badly ill. That became a prediction, mommy said: ", you better go visit your grandmother, she's really, very ill." and a few days before my grandma died, daddy told me to go visit her. Mommy told -ME- to go visit her. And what did I do?

Completely nothing.

WHAT KIND OF A GRANDDAUGHTER AM I?! Un..worthy, un..un.. fi..lial? I don't know. I seriously feel like blaming myself till I die or.. or something. Everyone KNOWS she doted on me SO much. And I'M the -ONLY- person who didn't EVEN VISIT HER. A born Sinner.

I don't know really. I really really just don't want to think. I have too much fears. Way too much fear. And it stops me from getting anything and everything done. Fear of having something at the edge of life going right before my eyes. I'm not 'kiasu' (scared to lose) I'm .. I'm.. Scared to loose. Be it a memory, or a person, a relation. Even if I'm not close. I cannot bear for the others to say seriously that I'm no one.

So me? A social butterfly? YOU WISH!

Such a disgusting inner heart should not be told.

SO WELL. ANYWAYS.

Today, I watched the rituals and took part in it with the rest of my cousins and mostly did the praying, and the joss sticks stuff, bowing and crap. But the guy DOING the ritual was AWESOME. Especially the part where he had some liquid in his mouth, and then he had to jump over his fire. So what he did was he spit the liquid out at the fire and jump over it at the same time.OMG, THE FIRE WAS IN A JOLLY COLOUR. It was like a small explosive flame thing, and it turned the ceiling black... well. Just slightly!

Oh, and for the whole day, I've been hanging out with my cousins and stuff. Me, being a manga artist, had been nicely requested to teach them to draw. Well, actually one came up to ask me. I didn't mind until i had all my younger cousins surrounding me, asking me. "Jie jie can you teach me how to drawww?!". One of my cousins saw my signature on my drawing and even began to call me Chidea! XD!!

I was suppose to stay over at my cousins' house today, but I'm.. kinda afraid and I really don't want to. I don't want to burdern my relative. (But, me can even burdern thy own's mother. See.disgusting face)

Because of those crap up there. I haven't been on recently. And not to mention Red Rose, the last I heard, was dying- or DEAD. Ah well. People succeed, people fail. No choice, eh?

Gotta stay happy a little while longer.

.: Pitiful Shadows cloaked in darkness, Thy actions cause men pain and suffering. Thy hollow soul drowns in thy sins. How would you like to see what death is like? :.

- Fourth Blood Butterfly -

CAUTION: EMO.

If you're thinking "So. What is dear little twisted child doing?"

I can generally tell you, I'm stressed from top to toe.Its not only because I was awaken by the news of my grandmother died suddenly, or anything, its because my mom just don't want me on the com, and I have to take out various activities, thus stressing me out. And inorder not to worry anyone, or attempt to. What do i do? Smile. And pretend everything is okay.

But I can also honestly say. 'My grandmother died' is just a blood fucking excuse for me to say 'I want to be free, i want to slack, idle, just leave me alone.' I am so tired, mentally exhaused and everytime i want to scream and yell, and throw a temper. But obviously, i'll get scolding for even THINKING about it. I'm so tired. I'm so so tired I just want to cover my ears, kick out all the sounds and hug myself so i won't feel alone.

And secondly, my big screw up.Infocomm Annerversairy next week.China trip next week.Clash?Fuck yes.

I can't cancel that, i can't not go for this. Everything is ruined. My painting for my manga on canvas sucks, I'm so bloody sleepy, i can't spend time with my friends, on my cosplay armor, I've got PVC meeting undone, I haven't done this, I haven't done that, NOT A SINGLE FUCKING SOUL IS GOING TO HELP ME. I CAN'T FIND ANY PROPER HELP, FUCK. I CAN'T EVEN FIND THE TRUST I NEED. While every thing here before me is ruined, I just want to think of things which keeps me happy.

I don't know, my mom is stressed too.So I have to be burderned by HER stress as well.

So, suffering?Nah.

I'm just perfectly happy. ^_^

.: Pitiful Shadows cloaked in darkness, Thy actions cause men pain and suffering. Thy hollow soul drowns in thy sins. How would you like to see what death is like? :.