- Fourteenth Blood Butterfly -

Tuesday, January 16, 2007.

-Cautious, Rant -

Sometimes I wonder if its just me or is it everything around me as well.There are times where the butterflies that surrounds me are filled with excitement, and everything that is positively ...positive.Yet there are times where the butterflies are so cold, and they seem to leave me alone.Maybe its really just me.
Perhaps one day, I'll return into my shell. And I'll forcefully cut off my own wings. Maybe one day, I'll make a mask. Yes, a thick metal mask, and I'll wear it as a shelter. A protection over my face. I'll chain myself to the ground, a isolated place. I'll cover my ears, I'll close my eyes, and cut off my tongue. Then, I'll scream. Maybe that one day, will come. And I will be relieve of everything that I hate, that I avoid and that which hates me. Maybe, just maybe.
People see me as a social butterfly- i mean, if you knew me, sure you do, and that daily mood swings and unable to comphrehend this every seeking attention brat.
I hate myself for that.
If my academics were as great as my attidute, maybe I'll still like me. But its not. Its the WORST. I'm lazy and.. and.. crap.. and argh. I'm insane. In a bad way now. I mean, I look at the people around me. THere's Vi-chan. She's quiet, mysterious, calm and collected. And she gets GOOD grades for her science. And what she wants others to see her, is under HER control. And there's the other 'crazy' -in a good way, lot. *Proper word is enthusiastic*. I mean, sure, they have their bad points. But, look at them. THey are getting GOOD grades. And there's 4.3's2007Chairperson-person. I mean, she can be annoying, yet funny, and cool, and quite a rubis cube sometimes, but SHE gets really good grades. And hell, thats only in my class. I DON'T want to get to the others.
I mean, honeslty, shit. I study, and I get the fucking same grades. Its that type of unexplainable fustrations. Theres no one HINT in me of being perfect. Or do i feel myself having accomplished SOMETHING.
Please, if you want to stop here, then stop. So I can spill things out that I haven't the long times since I last posted. (Internet curfew).
I THANK MY MOM FOR TAKING THE INTERNET AWAY, ACTUALLY.If I were to have return to my two-world state I'm always in, i swear to the Lady of the Silver Moon that I WILL NOT be able to cope with my own emotions. I'm all confused and shit now if I should or should not hide myself, and that's in real life. I have this ... problem. I want to hide myself, but I'm afraid of being alone thing. I'm so scared of things leaving me that I wish not to get attached to them. But I don't know if its the same for everything. Attachment can lead to addiction to me. Eg. My chatting habits = addiction. And I don't even feel that same feelings i used to when everything was once united.
ARGGH. I DON'T KNOW. Perhaps everything is really breaking down bit by bit, like a wool-made sweater's string was being pulled and the sweater is going lesser and lesser and leaving someone cold and stuff.
I know I'm not living for myself. Then again, 'myself' isn't really here before. I'm just a mixture of everyone that I look up to, making me someone who is not me.
Smiling to me is a piece of joy.Not smiling to me can be a grave sin.
Laughing gives me the courage to live on.Frowning gives me the wish to die.
Showing happiness will not affect the others.Showing my inner happiness is a crime.
Wanting to fly is a dream.Not flying keeps me safe.
Walking into dangers brings me excitement.Keeping myself safe gives me my sanity.
Speaking my thoughts will let me be knownbut will also break my barriers and shell.I don't want that.
Now.
What's the meaning of able to trust someone, when I can't even physcially trust people?